SEED Page 4

  Lighting my fire, laying there naked cool to skin, warm and not giving myself the chills. I wonder? Staring at the moon that had its show and for it was me! I feel better, however my thoughts are unsure. What the heck is that noise, ringing, tensioning me, and? I look around and see the sky falling, and the night encapsulating me entirely. With my eyes, in pure darkness, I can't… I can't…?

  Alarm clock I tell you off! Do you ever shut up? For what I have been through, I will be up in a minute 'RELAX' the words appear to me, and I shout I will be up in a minute damn you!

  From the moment of annoyance, to frustrations splitting my head, and reaching a vocal point, I am ready to get up. Just at my movement, and barely even flinching, the alarm shuts off on its own? Laughing with myself, for laughing hysterically, I flushed red. I say never done that before, what's the change of heart? I take a well-deserved breath sinking back into the pillow of mine, reflecting time by digital clock. Clock tuned by current. And not current time I question? I don't trust my own laugh by a cautious look, while noticing that something else doesn't feel right. I see myself under the covers, and removing them to confirm, naked? Looking down at myself I see labeled confusion, I shout gibberish was I drugged? Compartmenting my thoughts I feel overwhelmed, my head sorts for answers, and I find what I am looking for. Unfortunate to notice, the label fear!

  I don't lean to my own understanding, afraid I detoxify my wake. The cabinet, my only choice was to question? Why these bare thoughts? A bear and what was the significance of? A moment passes I snap clarity, yet my coffeemaker was nowhere in sight? Things seem out of place here? Thinking bare without clothes without a recollection of container… I felt empty.

  Three sided, with an emotional feel. The significance of three enters my thoughts me thinks, me feels, me cries without screams! I used the right words without any funny stuff, I am still me. I have woken, and raised the question with expression what about a bear? Incomplete thoughts, racing wake up call, and no alarm. I had to know. I had to eat. My toes were dirty, and I lose my understanding.

  Grinding my teeth, I make my way to the cupboard to find something to eat. At the counter digging my claws for hunger, I go high for something, I haven't seen in a while. I craved something was there, with a known fridge empty. Leaning for the top, the prize for the win, my hunger was stronger than just within. The feast was awaiting me.

  My left hand in claw supporting my weight for the right armed left legged reach. I get the cupboard door open, and I put my hands in to it, to find? Breaking a nail on my left, my hand grabs what was inside, and what inside was a handful of grass. I scream & %&#*( lunging backwards with a slide across the floor, I see a handful of?

  Turning my back to evil, looking at where I once woke moments before, my bed was floating? I rise to my dirty feet, and dash to the door. For safety, for concern, for my life what is happening to me? The compartment was fear, mine?

  My heart beat my way out, and I was outside of this. My tears drained me, and I never felt sleep, I felt remote. Who is controlling me? Outside now, naked confused. I have the strangest feeling of déjà vu. I am nauseous from the uncharacteristic view of numbers with the doors once white, and now black? Each door hand numbers upside down upon and in view “thre3”.

  I turned the page of fear

  With a turnaround by distraction for no need of any more pain. I just breathe. The turn was my apartment no more?

  Taunting field before my eyes, I was right back where I was, and I hear laughter? Let me out of this nightmare! I scream. Don't you see I can't change overnight!

  Why have you forsaken me!

  Jade, I am here with you, be cautious of the snake for he slithers!

  Let me breathe my own reality again, please for the love I have in you God, I pray to you Lord, my savior Jesus Christ.

  My last breath inhaled I shout save me I want life!

  My heart is yours; forgive me for I have sinned. My heart no longer locked please show me the way home without fear!

  Blunder rushed tears dripping from my cheek. Lord tells me, tells me if I am your testament, and is I a prophet to guide the new covenant? What is the purpose of all this? Am I dreaming? Have I died, for a path to stairway?

  Answer me this then, is I dead but dreaming, or wake? Is this your world?

  I repent my sins, please forgive me!

  Rhythmic grass that blows the wind, I ask why the black birds? Why are they so interested in me?

  Moving like a swing of the pendulum, I thought. I stop to listen. Was this my door? I feel the sound of the wind swaying green, a healthier safer place, yet still not mine. I close my eyes intensifying the feeling upon opening. Mine? Bloody, and strangely inviting? I am in control, and I have to change this. There is no longer need for pain, I found God.

  Out here I wonder with no need for clothes, means to survive, and or control. I am wearing the armor of God, and I no longer feel naked, no longer scared. I look at my left hand, and grip tightly to a shield for protection, I move on with peace, and without sword.

  The breeze seemed to wander, and my craving for an appetite dismissed destruction. I am strong. Curious no matter how obscure this was, I have never been in a dream that I knew I was. I now believe, with a shield in hand, I am dreaming.

  I am going to enjoy this, I cannot be hurt. I can do whatever I want, says the white rabbit! Laughing, and always wanting to say that. I was in place, and my senses lead me to stop!

  A sign reading:

  *~*~*

  Across this desert is a glass of water, and a home cooked meal

  Halfway for hunger

  Be cautious, the sun will be out soon

  *~*~*

  My curveball facial expression was not a time to be taunted. Although I knew this would be fun, and I wonder? Can I fly?

  Hunger sparks my empty. My desire to eat was unbearable, like the hot sands beneath my feet. Hunger!

  The sands of the hourglass have its time. I will not be tempted to turn around, my hunger has me moving. Hey! Stay out of it! There is no voice-over here, this is my dream remember! My dream! Do you want me to spell it out for you…? D e v i l!

  Frustrations have me further from starvation, and the taste of sands blowing in my face, has me taste the desire for water.

  Give me what is mine!

  The sun rises and the sky clears. I no longer fear, fearless I am and darkness no longer fears me, hunger strengthened my beast. With a sink from every step, I was prepared with a sandal? What am I wearing, what is this? I look like a weathered antique. This dream is stranger than the mind of mine!

  I am motivated never the less, by the sands and against the grain. The clothes will have to do, am I naked? Let’s say the clothes are a loose fit. My eyes lead the way with a lethargic stare, with my feet fine, and clothed. The only thing I question is, why the distance?

  Onward further, I tire, and my sweat drains. I thirst for that glass half full. One more hill to climb and I give up. Throwing the hood up on the garment, I give up! This is preposterous!

  My senses guiding me, by death fall. These hills of sand were tiring my sandal. The typical result of mine was motion sickness, and from a decision that was clearly a result? I want my shoes! I am fueled from the oils dripping skin, shedding scales?

  So interest is your game, is it? I am not your viola, fiddle, trick or treason by puppet, by string and sting! For I am Jade and I make the choices here. This is my dream, you get out! I see you there!

  I draw the sword from the sheath that appeared ready for battle and ready to meet, my greatest fear. With a psychotic and feared laugh, I say be careful my sword is sharp, and not scaled; for you better hide I am hungry!

  Playin6 trick6 on m6 are you?

  My toes clench the stringed sandal, and the sands print my name. This is my path, and I follow the path of Christ, is it his? The gift sheltered my body, clothes draped my feet. My hood kept the radiant sun from my blind. Repeating Psychosis, am I taken?

  I look aro
und at the winds blowing the sand. I see footprints ahead of me, and a path to follow. I changed my direction, and soon enough I was walking a path once, led by…?

  Walking further by steps, the sun was at a height blinded from the hood of my cloak, and my eyes were in the shade. My breath warming my cloak and I find these clothes I wear has purpose. A mind that may have raced before, that was my only a thought to many! Me feels never ashamed, and never a lack of? This is how I work things out. My senses distracted, and my mind took over. This time was different, I felt a more intense heat with every step I follow, and for hotter than sun, I was safe.

  Is this the voice of God? Or the voice from my Subconscious fears? I voice myself to question?

  I am enemy, and I am fear! I will break you the right way, and you will come for everything you seek, answers I grant you! Come to me! Everything you see will be? Before you, and for you to me Jade! Come to me; desire to taste my forbidden fruit. You will fear no longer, you will be god! Accept me Jade! Take a bite, you are starving!

  Voices in the distance, far from God, this was different trying to guide me again by direction, and I see nothing but a tree far from here, and without thirst I question survival, no longer hunger.

  My thoughts, feelings, puzzled by emotion play a game of risk and I have to move from the screams! Climbing, winded by fear, and opposed by endless sands to survive. I now focus on the peak of another dune ahead by another cycle of mind. I look below for the smell of freedom, and the taste of starvation. My eyes growl inside, and I see my prize!

  Pivoting the sand, and lunging forward with a great deal of laughter. I trip carelessly, and tuck my shoulder back on my feet. A stepping stone for thee drink. I am so thirsty my lips are dry!

  Standing above looking downward at this woven basket in view, I could only imagine a home cooked meal. Designed, well deserved, and engineered. Cared for tendered by thirst, I lick my dry lips to desire my taste.

  Looking below, the time and choice of liberty by direction, was mine. Class A meal I thought. I dreamed big, real big!

  ~ It moved?

  Chapter in Retrospect 'Jade'

  Jade is of many talents, and an over achiever. It would be said, she is stubborn at times, and a strong believer in herself. Jade is driven! She would see herself as the second hand of the clock, with a balance of time for coordinates. Stress and apprehension was an issue, time was always a concern. Jade was always writing, and these words seem to find me? When do I get a break, when?

  Financially independent I am, with finances not a concern, I am broke. Broke doesn't get things done? Considering the companies’ time and mine, I was a great asset. My god, I am at work on my day off? I was an asset… Balderdash!

  I am getting tired of writing. Image is credibility, labeled bipolar?

  Yours truly and mistaken,

  -Jade xoxoxo

 

  There are some things we need to know about our Girl. Jade has Bipolar disorder, and this disorder is not easily recognized by her, or understood by society, the health care invention? Triggered by fears, quickly problems arise. Her co-workers notice her moving around the workplace at a more than medium pace, and an uncontrollable rate? Jade accomplishes most tasks at hand, and her co-workers, taken?

  Credit was charged and not given, with a scare from working herself out of a job, careful with resistance! A container with compartments overflowing; what the fuck? She asked for an office, and a file cabinet. This was turned down by bipolar, Jade never spoke the words. Always doing, thinking of something? Seems something was undone that never had a chance to breathe to figure, and weight gain was stressed. There was too much work to be done. Jade assured everyone else, she was ok. Then the voices in her head started.

  Faster with pleasure, slower with defeat, and adaptive thrills stimulating senses for distraction. A channel flip was one of. Thirty minutes, not stopping for one, and or listening to. Jade believed her mind was better, and it was. However, distracted by nonsense she had enough on her mind. The anger, from saying too much or that direction would soon be suffering. A subtle wonder why? Avoidance was keys to what was on, or what was wrong.

  Soaked by sense, the anger had interest and the frustrations had room to breathe. Thinking quicker, enjoying the high. I have never had to pay for an altered state. Was it harming her, or is it? The trigger was it negative? Would it be possible to distract the distraction, and find the off button for Jade? Would it be possible at this time, if interest was found? Directing, and dissecting time was important to Jade. A programmer analyst by trade, and when asked, she was embarrassed by her daily stress, her daily motion. She couldn't take the… ask! And would say I am the Engineer of Thought!

  Everyone questioned her stability?

  Chapter: Spinning in Reality

  One-step further and it seems the quicksand’s of frustrations has me spinning again!

  Let me out!

  I shout up into the sky, swallowed from a time of consequence. This was a time of joy. My actions, why…?

  My life flashing before my eyes, the channels change I struggle with fear. Every move, and for every panic, I grasped for air. I was sinking, and I am depressed. The spin cycle of my mind, connected to a thought. I was in way over my head, with this time like every other. It was only me sinking, and so I thought. This would be another mess I was in, and a mess to clean up, my thoughts shout.

  I had a mess that should be fun to clean up, from a time of joy? This makes sense, yet I added bleach! Yelled at or vanquished by so many, and without explanation the depression cycle changes, and I start to sweat. Tensioning the headache from a mindless nerve, find me peace, haven’t you given up yet? This has been years!

  The sands that race right round and around have me turning left with less time, less breath, and soon there will be nothing left of me. The sands have an appetite, and I am fueling it. Confused I scream save me! I swallow the last drip, with a mouthful of tears that is now soft spoken, and wanting my last breath. I speak softly, tense and without air. I stop to listen ~

  I hold my breath from making a noise, with no breath left. Clearing my mind to just listen, just listen. I stop sinking.

  Many moments later with a calm peaceful mind I engulf a mouthful of water! I put my hands above and reaching for the sands with the tide deceased. I have will to live, and a gift for I have overcome this! My heart beats, and ensures me I am a survivor! Breathing as I should, with focus, and this not so difficult task; I lunge this moment, directed by the flat lands above. Balancing myself by weight, not to tip the scale and return; I rest above upon these sands.

  To wonder why, I believe I would start sinking again, and it was necessary for this part to stop. I have arms, legs, two hands and feet, everything you see now fingers and toes! I am starting to see this on land with a view to see. This is a great opportunity for me; I wasn't high, and I was no longer sinking!

  Thereafter, it went dark with fear, my retreat of will I triggered a light, and distracted myself to breathe again. With my last breath I yell? Words not making it through my mouth, when full of… salt water! Yuk, I hate salt water.

  Is this what you call my glass?

  My foul salted tasted mouth had many words to say! These words I had to stop. My echo speaks back to me and says you have been spotted! With a quiet transparent voice, I thought and speak the words creepy.

  My clothes heavy, and my mind knew what I had to do. The first thing was, to find a place for these…? I am so cold. So cold by this dream, there must be a laundry mat around here somewhere... There must be!

  Taking off my clothes, and disgusted with my look. I threw those lousy rags of my past; all beaten up and worn like a…? I won’t even say! Thrown to dry, I move on cool.

  Running for the green I take a puff, and a look at the clouds above, thinking I need a smoke. The water is breaking ice caps, and I did not need a coffee? Sleeping and, well rested. I laugh to myself with a dream within a dream, and with a smile that
moved the clouds. This time my tears were that of salt.

  With the ocean in view, I was still cold. Should I test the waters? This might be a mistake, and I believe I tasted enough. I ran for it! The change of tune from a wind that bit me in the cold had me run skinny as I am, and for the dip to consider warmth. I was laughing with a reflection of time, and a good one, no longer doing the work by hour, or by minute. The ocean was warm and, I renewed to believe the difference!

  I lay within the waves from a settle by splash, and the sea rolls gentle waves for my tension, retention to be, and see! Up at the clouds, I reflect not a past. I enjoy my time, and for today is making the difference, today and right now. Does it get any better than this? Why on earth would I want to imagine better! Why would I, imagine!

  I feel,

  I feel

 

 

 

 

  balanced