SEED Page 3

  Don't be scared, I got you Jade!

  My mind busy I am trying to decipher, and I ask myself is that you?

  You got this, keep it together, you can see higher ground ahead, with dryer soil, and relax. There is no time to reflect now, mind, body, soul. You go girl!

  Welcoming change with or without clothes there is no need to put yourself back in that swamp. Your feet may enjoy it, and no time for assumptions, you know pinky wants socks. There is no need for regression, when you can see dry ground ahead, with an open field, and something different.

  I repeat my thoughts, and secure direction, by repeating my thoughts I secure. Motivation has me distracted, and now driven! I don't know what I would do without you, and I. Welcoming change, with or without clothes has me wonder? When I get back to civilization, and I know I will. The words spoken will be I am bipolar, with a smile on my face, and pretty lips to ask what makes you unique.

  Not a moment more, or a second to count down self-respect, I say for I am Jade, and this is infinite progression! I get the nasty swamp off me, for a fresh start that makes sense. All the hard work I put in, and the reason I repaired, was to be certain my name wasn't in the papers. I could see it now we caught Blondeti!

  The dark shades of green moss, and trees fallen, obviously to their death. Or wait has someone survived this?

  Maybe there is a chance for me.

  The steam lifted with a stench of heat like it was alive. And so am I, and it was not going to bring me down. Swamp you got yours, and I got mine. I say goodbye without words, just the thought of you had me look back, but I couldn't go through that again, not like you!

  The waters bubbling my focus has me in stare trying to condition, the swamp that want’s me back. I don't look back depressed, I have changed, and I see better ahead.

  At that very moment I imagine, something, or someone, immerging from the depths of the swamp, with a swamp covered body, and a face that could have been mine. I run, I run fast! I was not going to stick around to figure this out, or to start and see. My sports car racing fast and catching up to me with the thought; can you imagine a cognitive distortion out here all alone and now just the two of you... Lurking in the deep with no need to stick around, or get stuck in that swamp. No crystal out here, just you and me babe! Godspeed, full equipped backbone, and ready for battle, or retreat? My rest for protection was with the armor of God, can I rest now?

  Exhausted, the sun has finally won its fight with the moon, and no longer the stars. The nightmare was over. I stop running from fear, nevermore was there pain, or suffering in my mind. I believe best, and that is all I can do. Rewarding myself with these words, exhaustion found clarity, and I see much further now. I have to sleep here protected, and any place should do, I close my eyes.

  Falling from the sky above, I look down at this world and now again with fear when I land. I won't know what to say? The ground getting closer, and closer, with an excuse that had me wondering how I am going to explain myself. I land, with not a moment more to waste, I was alive? Through the roof above me, and now confused. Looking down there was no debris, and it was not that big of a deal.

  Dr. Speedvac?

  Yes, I am here to talk to you Jade.

  I know who you are, as we have met before.

  But I don't get it? I was just, and now? I fumble my words, and hide the truth.

  The Dr. says to me I understand what you went through then and, now. I haven't forgotten your name, and it's not for you to work hard, or think you can fly, just does it. That is how you do it right? I got pills!

  The first time we met you were all over the road. Driving a car that time, I was the one who threw you the keys. Now Jade, for you to understand, and at the time, you still didn't trust me, and you were quite ripped off, when I gave you the tools. How many friends do you know, that would give you a car!

  Dr. Speedvac, I don't understand, I took the tools, and with my bucket of bolts, I was racing to design. A few weeks went by, and I couldn't adjust.

  Well Jade, why didn’t’t you come see me then, I could have helped… yes just like spell check???

  That is just it, I felt labeled to destroy myself, and my distraction was the car in mind. I had to make it the best. I would look in the mirror at the end of the day, for how hard I worked, and with little progress, consuming the stress, I was determined. I told everyone about my build, and in the beginning I had help. After that they couldn't work with me anymore!

  So what did you do?

  I worked harder, I found help and my prayer was answered.

  Jade, why are you here now?

  That's an easy answer, my car broke down at those speeds, and at this time, I didn't want help. It seems I have to finish everything here. I might as well do it again, and rebuild it. On the side of the road with little tools, depressed, and feeling disposed. It seems a roll of duct tape was the answer. I would make a mistake, and get more and more upset, by over powering my frustrations, the tape wouldn't hold. However I did get my car back on the road. I step down the pace just in case, but it seems with a foot on the pedal, and an engine that wanted to run, I get back up to those speeds.

  And, now you’re flying Jade?

  Yes Doctor, there was more maintenance at these speeds, and I was getting tired. I remember lying in bed disappointed in myself, with days passing, and people wondering. I was scared to show my face again, constantly looked at, and they say 'hey that's the idiot, careless, and always on the road racing, what is she doing now?' I couldn't help myself to put my face with that speed, I once had. I get more, and more depressed, agoraphobic, and distressed. Time passes with that racing car of mine, in mind, and I had to think of something else.

  And what was it Jade?

  I enrolled in the flight academy, with the plan to succeed, I can do anything right?

  Jade, I am enjoying your story. I have told you I am only a psychiatrist, and what you need is a psychologist. I can help you with levels, and give you a smoother flight; it is up to you… 'Wake up Jade' wake up!

  I was fading black to light with the sun that hits me in the eyes, and says “Good Morning America.” I didn't get this; at the time I am proud to be Canadian. The sun confused, and I forget it. Jade you must be mistaken? I yell the wakeup call “Good Morning Canada!” It's going to be a high of 60 degrees with a cool breeze from Splash Easy. If you book now with your high miles, the kernels are always popping with a good time, and a time to come buy, 2 for 1 gift passes available now, we'll see you soon. © Splash Easy all rights reserved.

  Oh my, I really am living the dream. I wish I could of snapped out of it. Illogical dreaming foretelling sense for life, choices, and new directions driven by spirit had me confused… then “Driven”. I haven't left myself time to go and enjoy America. I still have the chance to find my liberty, Lady Liberty. Looking back at me and to see who I am, voiced humble inside, and looking at her stature, and the countries she stands for to say I feel you! You have to understand liberty, like I do. How difficult it is, to go on like this, for those who see me… bipolar. ‘Fuck Bipolar’ Argh!!! She’s a Pirate! Call me Impatient Patient #22849007 PLEASE

  ~forgive me for I have sinned~ profanity super glued my past, and…

  The stereotypes I speak of, I went from a pen, to paper, typewriter, and now a computer.

  And now my stereo types

  Racing my thoughts for a chance at life, seen confused breaking out of my shell with too much to say at times. It was not my fault, I had too many ways to express my highs, yet I pumped others to have the support when I needed it, they didn't respond.

  Looking up at the sky, I see a beautiful clear blue. I have to start my day, hungry! My hunger tells me, you're afraid of sushi. I am sure you will find something to eat, surely you are remarkable.

  Without an aisle in reach, food for thought, and no isle argh! I could tell you I would be thinking of pizzas right now, but I could not. I had to think fat, be thin, and have my hunger find me something to
eat. I look at my claws, and think whoa not that big! And quickly revert to my survival skills. Now thinking of the days when I was out in the woods, a kid on the hunt to find the perfect stick. With the wiener's no good without an open flame, I had to find a stick. For I am not a killer, I have never committed a crime, I say to myself Jade, this is different! And that fat fluffy squirrel is lunch. You had your breakfast, with no need to practice more; you’re a meat eater now!

  My belly growls for the hunt, this bed of grass I woke up on, was no more. This was personal between the squirrel, and I. Thinking small, I had to act faster.

  I look at my feet, and those dirty toes. I take the swamp from my feet, and cover my face, from pale to ready the war, with Fatso! I can taste him already, this animal instinct of mine tells me, stealth, and patience is the key.

  Looking down and around for tracks, there was nothing to be found. That squirrel was smarter than I thought, and light on its feet; lighter than me, and I growl top predator. I look up, and see myself right back where I was, staring at Fatso, with his plump feasting chubby cheeks right back at me, I have been spotted! No time to question how I got here, but this was that place, we first met. If squirrel was a girl like myself, it did not matter, no bonding here, squirrel was my lunch! Chomping away in that tree, the noises of Fatso had me patient, and I thought go ahead make my day and fatten yourself up, this will be your last lunch, never mind supper.

  A tree branch next to me I grasp my weapon of choice, and I snap it in time with the squirrel. A branch with a perfect edge ready to kill, with fatso in view and was lunch. The sound of careless indulgence had me stealth, just like I had planned. My confidence could taste the snack, and my snack would be mine. A creek from of hesitation was my mistake, and Fatso looked up, and then continued to eat. I see a keen sense of behavior, however my desire was…?

  A smile on my face I creep slowly, and with grace. I get closer within better view, but it seems I won't get close enough to throw my spear from here. I take a breath and think range.

  Watching the squirrel feast up in the tree with the edge of a branch next to? It seems the squirrel is having more than lunch with that supply. I notice something; it's not just me, and the squirrel? Head up with the squirrel, and looking spooked with a noise! Wasn't me? Another in the woods maybe…? Now or then, Fatso was the main course, no need for distraction, my histamines thirst hunger. Scratching I was, and addicted to the kill.

  At my feet, these rocks have me thinking? I pick one up, and throw it to the left of the squirrel. Hitting the brush making a noise… Fatso drops his lunch and looks? Fatso sees nothing but a stunned look and returns to eat. Thinking one with the enemy, he was my kill, and I was to be feared at this time. Picking up another nut, the squirrel occupied, and I throw another rock. I Yell Fatso you're mine!

  With a lunge and a perfect throw, my weight hunger the spear and the bow missed! I fall backwards in defeat, look up with my hand on my belly, and say this is a nightmare!

  Fatso never flinched?

  My eyes closed, dreaming of a better life and a fulfilling one. I missed my lunch, and the wind gave me ice scream! I feel something brush across my naked body. Opening my eyes I see, this psychosis of mine is real! In the field and still in a field; I don't believe it. I haven't moved, and or seen that squirrel. I close my eyes again to be sure. I open them and let out my breath.

  Shocked state and I have been through enough, and there was still chance in all honesty. I don’t like the word chance, and I need home! This headache of mine was starting again. Concussing the feel with the lump on my head, I say you're in rough shape, that rock left its mark! I went easy, and snap I was out of it.

  Suddenly with a vision, looking deep into the perfect set sky, reflecting my day. I see myself there watching. Between the blowing grasses, I was seen from above. I see a soft like a couch, a place for me to sleep. Fluffy wondering and, I could not explain the exhaustion sinking deeper, and deeper. My eyelids were getting heavier, and heavier. I should sleep, and dream the day home. I sink deep!

  Psychotic vulnerability, I variable my sleep, and wake with an unknown sense of things.

  SPIRIT

  For Jade you have to trust Me, I am here to guide you, and you can sleep on my path.

  My God Is this my Life?

  Yes, life is always with you Jade. We breathe together friend, no matter persecution, dream with me.

  Amazed with a gratifying urge to smile, and a take at work, I say where have you been? I have been looking all over for you? Welcome back friend, let's do this!

  I say loud and clear, with an open mouth no longer a stitched secret. I lift the left side of my lips higher, and then the right for a smile, and hold it. I feel better, and I thanked the Lord in Prayer.

  The feeling went write through me, and I thought of paper with shelter from the trees, and not a clear thought cut through me, it was the wind, and I was thinking? I was enjoying this bed of grass, and the clouds moving with a chance of me? I must have seen home? I sadden my smile, and look onward rational, defeated. Staring through the tall green grass swaying the cold, my eyes tire faced with mania. Do I believe in God? I Believe I do! Faces of mania, I would have to say get lost!

  No longer alone, on path, as if I was dreaming, or I was awake, I found myself. Guided from fear, and shined by light, I feel the grace and company from another, to follow. Not just another, for I see Christ.

  I cry beautiful tears, and try again for more. Relieving tension, my nerves calm, and my day is seen as days to come, not days to get through. Against the grain with my eyes following the tips of grass, I see wheat. Now there must be something, something out here for me to eat? Suddenly, my teeth hit with a crash.

  Putting my right hand across my face wiping the blades from my teeth, onto hand with a look feeling sick to curse the words out loud, they were outspoken in my head. Looking down at the locust that was certainly out of control, I had to look up, and with a hand full, away from my hand to say God are you there? I really need you right now! I cannot shed another tear, for then I would be thirsty, and I am starving. I listen, and hear no reply. Now angry with God, I hear another voice in my head.

  Don't eat it!

  My mouth should be fine, and this is a gift to satisfy a thought. I didn't wipe it from my hands for a reason. My first feeling of hunger with cognitive belly telling me there must more than this, I thought. A different voice says to me how did it make you feel? My reply was *&#^%@! Stopping myself from going further, and again with the voice?

  I knew what I had to do. I put that locust in my mouth, and ate it. Chomping, grinding my frustrations of being played with, I satisfy my hunger. I am not your playground! And ‘thanks I enjoyed it, from a look above we smiled.'

  Cautious now with the scent of another and for this other! This is more serious that I thought, and I should not provoke.

  Stronger, I jump as high as I can, and kick out my legs to metaphor The trees are now a field, the grass is tall and green, health fearless. Focus was keen, and Jade was on her way. I am starting to feel friendly as the blades of grass move across my skin, with my sense of direction whether thick or thin, it did not matter, for every stride, and every breath I take, I feel strangely aroused? Exhilarating the outcome was with a change in feeling. I was once numb, and I said to myself I feel sexy!

  Raising my arms to feel the sky with my bottom swaying left to right, my rear view under light, and uninhibited I just might. Jade look at you, a whole day has gone by, and you haven't rewarded yourself? I look up for collateral, and see to have the words, I could not believe. The sun has left the sky, and so has the moon, for it was dark, and darker than it once was.

  Doesn't this feel better? No longer seen naked and no longer I need, I was needed by the devil. I need you Jade! I cannot remember a fear? I am wanted. I try to remember looking back and still naked, eaten alive now by bugs, with one for hunger, and my thoughts was I jumped high! Naked-alive, I knew I was far enough. My mind went dirty, a
nd I needed my reward. The hell with it, I need this!

  The mouth pulled left, and the lips tighten. This could be an alright place for us! Comfortably taken I won't mind, and we think alike. Don't mind me, I say to myself out loud, and wonder? If you happen to pass by, tell the story of how you found me and thank you kindly for saving me! The voice riddles my beauty, and I?

  Denying what I heard, within a blade of grass, and a family, there was more field here than the eyes can see.

  My thoughts tuned by fantasy, and not reality. I believe I am safe, when I touch myself. A pleasurable time coming on, it would only make sense to…?

  Overwhelming me, with the pleasurable feeling this was ok. Naked under view with my body beautiful, and hard to resist, were the voices in my head. An abusive aggression, I had to tell myself, I enjoy this?

  I lay back onto the grass. Sensual by touch, and sensual by nature with the grass that lies beneath, did not lie to me, it was more pleasant, and touched me where I lay. Little fingers caressing my body, with the wind my massage. I have been through a lot, and this was, not as aggressive. The cold air sheltered by the winds this time as the long grass bed me.

  To wear myself out, I felt I was losing my touch, and with the grace of God only moments before, I see him, and he is here with me now. How once before, I was distracted God, please forgive me for I have sinned, my time is more valuable than the aggression! There is a time and a place, this was not that. This is my time with God. My eyes fill with tears I believe I was…? I stop myself and think, and then stop? Tired I was, and required my strength to persevere this beauty, and once before mess, I need to carry myself forward to? My heart is home, my needs are the shelter I own. Dreaming awake or dreaming, nevertheless why question belief.

  I look into the night skies, stellar! Just how eye imagined before with the moon casting light, and it watched me. Making me thinks shyly, and then wandering my body with thought; no longer tired I see myself relaxed. I sweat delight, no longer stress in mind, and clear as the stars in the sky above. Tonight the stars shine for me, in a perfect world, a perfect dream? Life never is, at this moment I found something here my heart beats calmly for peace!